You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
