he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
