Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
