just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
