i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
