Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
