he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
