I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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