Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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