Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
