He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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