Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
