I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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