my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
