kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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