Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
