yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
