what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
