I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
