I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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