just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
