Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
