I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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