dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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