Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
