you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We have started to decorate penises.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
