She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
