he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
