remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
