Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
