i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my shit smells like andre
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
