My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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