Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
