$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
