have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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