Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
