They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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