Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just googled if crying burns calories
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
