I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
