I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list