and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
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Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.