So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed