i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.