ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst