i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
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Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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