my sisters under your porch take her home
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
