So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
