Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
