I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
