we have pet lesbian snakes
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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