I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
