the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just threw up on my dentist
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
