I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
