i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks