Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
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You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
50% drunk capacity currently
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that