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It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
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