I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.