I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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