He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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