you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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