Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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