I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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